


Don't Try This At Home, Kids

by Phantomlimb



Series: Holy Jolly Get On My Dick [2]
Category: Teen Wolf (TV)
Genre: Blow Jobs, Curly Fries, Derek is Derek, Derek is an asshole, Fast Food, First Time Blow Jobs, Food Kink, Food Porn, Humor, I'm so done with myself and these assholes, M/M, Porn, Smut, Stiles is still a little shit, dont't at all take this seriously, mutual blow jobs
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-12-20
Updated: 2013-12-20
Packaged: 2018-01-05 07:45:17
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Underage
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,840
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1091374
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Phantomlimb/pseuds/Phantomlimb
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>In which Stiles does a weird thing and Derek really couldn't care less</p>
            </blockquote>





	Don't Try This At Home, Kids

**Author's Note:**

  * For [carelesshummingbird](https://archiveofourown.org/users/carelesshummingbird/gifts).



> Omg so please don't take this seriously even though this is my first posted smut. I did this for my friend and I hope she appreciates it because this hurt to write

**Two Weeks later...**

After a normal _intense_ make out session, Stiles and Derek had worked up quite the appetite and decided to sedate themselves with fast food ~~Derek didn’t want to but Stiles refused to lose this fight or any fight~~ so they went to Arby’s; the place that had the _best damn curly fries._ They got their food and went back to Derek’s loft, where Derek suggested they watch a movie and Stiles said “Sure.”

They scoured for one ~~because apparently on demand was very limited when it came to good taste~~ finally settling on the only thing available that could truly make them both laugh: New Moon. Stiles figured it would be fun to watch it and point out all the horrible inaccuracies ~~it was either this or high school musical and Derek put his foot down on~~ _ ~~that one~~.  _ However, that was _not_ what they ended up doing.

Stiles blamed the rain scene; and Taylor Lautner’s abs. Oh and fucking Derek and his perfect everything like _Jesus Christ._ Instead of enjoying the movie for its awfulness, Stiles ended up getting a major hard on. This was different from his normal semi he was _always_ sporting because of Derek ~~thanks Asshole~~ because now he was desperate for relief and he didn’t know how to get it. Derek and he had _just_ become a thing and he wasn’t quite sure if Derek was up to ~~frickle frackling~~ getting sexual and he didn’t _dare_ ask if they could do _that;_ because 1. That’s not sexy and 2. Just _no._ So there he was, sitting on the couch on the opposite side of Derek ~~because they both needed an armrest and refused to share that~~ , sporting the most painful boner he’s ever experienced and he had no way of just making it disappear.

It’s not like he could just go to Derek’s bathroom and give it a good twist. He’d always needed videos to get off and his phone was a no go and also Isaac uses that bathroom and Stiles wouldn’t do that to him. He got desperate and desperate times call for desperate measures.

 

“Will you excuse me?” He asked, heart thrumming.

 

Derek obviously heard the accelerated heart beat but pretended to hear otherwise. He also smelled desperateness and arousal but he didn’t call Stiles out on it because he wasn’t _that_ much of a dick.

 

“You okay?” Derek asked with a slight smirk.

 

Okay, he lied; he was that much of a dick.

 

“Yeah, I’m fine, god man, _get off my back_ ,” Stiles snapped.

 

Derek held his hands up in mock surrender and went back to watching the movie ~~because he was secretly enjoying it~~.

 

Stiles got up and went to ~~the room that was supposed to be the kitchen but was so bare that Derek was fooling _no one_ ~~ kitchen and open the drawer that he knew would contain scissors. He took a deep breath that normally would have been filled with shame and regret over what he was about to do but right now, he was too far gone with his hormones; _it had to be done._

 

He unzipped his pants.

 

He then proceeded to cut open a ~~large~~ hole into the bottom of the funnel that had held his extra-large curly fries.  He took his cock out and gave it a good stroke; he stopped himself before it went too far. He slipped it slowly into the hole he had made in the funnel and held it surely in his grasp. He walked back into the living room, sitting as physically possible away from Derek on the couch. This was obviously a **_horrible idea_** but like previously mentioned, Stiles _clearly_ wasn’t thinking straight.

He stared at Lautner’s abs ~~unimpressed because Derek’s abs were clearly better~~ and pretended to grab a fry when really he was grabbing his dick. It got to the point where he realized he wasn’t even really looking at Jacob but rather imagining it was Derek in the film doing all those stupid stunts.

 

He sighed as he smeared the pre-cum around his dick; hoping to use it as some kind of lubrication. He stopped when he heard Derek make a broken animalistic sound.

 

“ ** _Stiles, what the hell are you doing_**?” Derek asked red in the face with the effort of not mewling like a kitten over how beautiful the sight before him was.

 

There he was, eyes glued to the screen completely dazed as he stroked himself; mouth open like always because he never knows how to shut it. It always distracted Derek and _now?_ The kid was practically _jacking himself off right next to him_ and he didn’t think Derek would notice?

 

Stiles looked at him with comically wide eyes and his mouth formed an O because of his surprise over being literally caught red handed. He then proceeded to remember that Derek was a _Werewolf_ and Werewolves have a _**fantastic** fucking sense of smell. _

 

“Oh _shit_ ,” Stiles blurted.

“ _Oh shit_ is right,” Derek said as he predatorily stalked over to Stiles’s side of the couch. He had smelled the minute Stiles had whipped his dick out and he had about cried because he hadn’t been there to see it. Now it was right there in front of him and he wasn’t letting it out of his sight. He pulled off the fry funnel and threw it across the room; scattering the remaining fries that had been there.

“You owe me fries and I thought you wanted to wait,” Stiles said trying to mask his awkwardness over the fact that this was the first time ~~anyone~~ Derek had seen this part of him.

“Waiting’s for squares,” Derek said as he dropped to his knees and took Stiles into his mouth.

 

Stiles moaned and gasped aloud; arching his back as he grabbed onto the couch’s armrest and tried to stop his toes from curling. Derek stretched him out and held him by the thighs. He bobbed his head in a slow rhythm, smelling the pure scent that is Stiles amongst the dark curls at the base of his cock; Derek was fully committed to memorizing this scent.

_“_ Derek, I’m-I’m not gonna- _stop, **I’m not gonna last**_ ,” Stiles said through heavy breathing.

 

Derek pulled off with an audible pop that made Stiles whimper at the loss of that wonderful mouth.

 

“Isn’t that the whole point of this?” Derek asked with a wicked grin that did nothing to help Stiles because god help him, _he wanted this asshole._

 

Stiles’s eyes were almost completely black with how turned on he was.

 

“I wanna take care of you, though,” Stiles said gesturing to Derek’s neglected hard on.

“If you want,” Derek said, eyes sparkling with anticipation and good humor as they both stood up.

“So hey, that’s a nice shirt, t _ake off your clothes_ ,” Stiles said like the smoothest operator ever.

“If you take yours off,” Derek replied easily as he stripped.

 

Stiles pretty much ripped off his own clothing. Derek took his _sweet ass_ time ~~not that Sties was complaining~~. When he was about to take off his underwear, Stiles stopped him.

 

“No, I wanna do that,” Stiles said, practically whining.

 

Derek took his hands off and let him. Stiles got in front of him, giddy with excitement and splayed his hands possessively on Derek’s chest because this was now his and he was never letting him go. He slowly dragged his hands down, brushing one of Derek’s nipples as he did so. Derek held back the shiver that threatened to run down his spine at Stiles’s gentle touch.  Finally Stiles’s hands found themselves at the band of Derek’s black boxer briefs. He smiled like a child on Christmas day and palmed Derek’s crotch. Derek bit his lip, refusing to moan out loud ~~because he refused to give Stiles everything he wanted because he was spoiled enough~~.  Stiles frowned and cupped him more firmly. This time Derek _couldn’t_ contain his groan.

Stiles grinned his best shit eating grin. He grabbed Derek by the shoulders and pushed him onto the couch. Stiles was well aware this only happened because Derek _let_ himself be pushed down. Stiles got down on his knees like he had seen Derek do. This was after all Stiles’s first time doing anything remotely sexual with another person and he was terrified he was going to find a way to fuck it all up. He hesitated. Derek could _smell_ the distress Stiles was experiencing.

 

“Look Stiles, whatever happens, it doesn’t change the way I feel about you.”

 

Stiles looked up at him in surprise. He had definitely not been expecting that confession from Derek. That was actually very nice of him and appropriately sensitive of him.

 

“Whatever you do, don’t bite. I haven’t gotten my rabies shot.”

 

And there’s the asshole Stiles had fallen in love with; _charming._

 

Stiles rolled his eyes and actually forgot about his anxiety over the fact that he was about to suck his boyfriend off. Stiles shimmied the boxer briefs off Derek and took a good look at **_it;_** the thing that had been on his mind _constantly._

 

“ _Oh my God,”_ Stiles breathed out.

“ _What_?” Derek asked rather sharply.

“It’s-it’s,” Stiles began but faltered as he continued to stare it down.

“It’s _what?”_  Derek asked  impatiently, looking down at Stiles.

“ _It’s beautiful,”_ Stiles cried out as he went down on Derek.

 

He took Derek in his mouth so perfectly, like he was born to do it, that Derek almost found it impossible to believe that Stiles had never done this before. Derek often fantasized about Stiles giving him a blow job ~~because who wouldn’t, I mean look at them lips, damn son~~ but this seemed unrea-

 

 ** _“NO TEETH, STILES, NO TEETH_** **,”** Derek bellowed out.

 

Stiles hummed his apology.

 

This proved to be too much for Derek because he suddenly had no control and he came down Stiles’s throat. Stiles had apparently anticipated this and had pulled back so as not to choke. After a minute, Derek remembered and made grabby hands at Stiles. Stiles released him and sat on his lap. Derek went to grab Stiles’s crotch to finish the job but Stiles stopped him.

 

“I-I already came,” Stiles said to Derek’s shoulder because he sure as hell wasn’t going to say that to Derek’s face.

“Huh, w-why?” Derek asked because he was curious but at the same time extremely tired.

“Well you look exceptionally attractive when you come, _Derek_ ,” Stiles said a little hotly.

 

Derek pulled Stiles back to look at his face. Stiles looked extremely sour and that just made Derek chuckle. This did not bode well with Stiles and it made him pout even more than he already was and give Derek a dirty look. Derek just laughed and pulled him close and kissed him. Stiles stopped being such a sourwolf and actually melted into the kiss. As they parted for breath, Stiles said what was on his mind.

 

“Ya know, we should really go to Arby’s more.”

 

_And they totally fucking did._

**Author's Note:**

> leave comments


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